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Things That Go “Poke” in the Night

You wake up for work, and the first thing you do is check your Facebook news feed. Did any relationships dissolve overnight? Did any of your friends post embarrassing photos of themselves? Do you need to wish anyone a happy birthday?

No. Everything seems normal in this corner of the Internet.

Wait, a new Farmville notification? You check on your farm, which you’ve been neglecting for days. The corn looks fine, your chickens seem healthy, and you just received a tomato plant as a gift from your cousin.

You thought you had a few cows but don’t see any on the screen. You rub your eyes. Have you been dreaming about Farmville again? You go to the bathroom to wash your face and brush your teeth, but you’re distracted by a strange noise coming from your computer in the other room.

Are you hearing things? You shut off the faucet and listen closely.


Did you really just hear a cow? You would like to ask someone, but you’re in the house alone. The moo-ing progressively becomes more labored, and you cover your ears. Maybe you are being punished for abandoning your short-lived vegetarianism.

You should check your computer, you think. It’s probably just one of those pop-up ads talking at you again.

Toothbrush still in your mouth, you return to the room to find blood splattered all over your farm. You touch your computer screen, and the blood is real, still warm. You jump and shriek! The toothbrush falls out of your mouth and lands on the floor with a thud.

Frantically, you wipe your screen and notice that three of your cows have been violently slaughtered* in your Farmville application.

You turn to run out of your room, but the door slams shut. The doorknob won’t budge! You’re trapped!

You log out of Facebook and try to close your browser window, but you can’t. The cursor has turned into the face of Satan and is moving on its own!

Suddenly, all the words that you have added to your Scrabble application are missing, and the Satan cursor begins adding new words: “destroy”, “your”, “privacy”. Wow, Satan just scored 35 points!

You try shutting off your computer, Control-Alt-Deleting your way out of this nightmare, but you’re trapped. Satan is laughing and screwing with your Scrabble board!

Suddenly, you hear a knock on your bedroom door. Who could it be? Who could possibly be knocking on your bedroom door at 8 AM?! You’re the only one at home!

Suddenly, a piece of paper is slipped under the door. You pick up the many-folded document and realize that it’s a printed copy of Facebook’s new privacy policy.

“Who is it?” You ask. You’re trembling. “Who’s there?!”

“It’s Mark,” says the voice behind the door. “I’m here with the marketers.”

“No!” You scream. “Please, no!”

*No cows were harmed in the making of this horror story.

(Photo by syvwich)

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